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\m/

Zhiling Hellos! i am zhiling :) Nanyang JC // sagittarius // eighteen // odac♥ // LOVES: my family, my friends, my pillow, my life! WANTS: MONEY!!! QUOTE: hahahahaha!

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BY. mastura >:)
BASE CODE. shotgun

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there it goes again. this feeling of detachedness. not feeling extremely low or anything, just this sense of emptiness. my emotions are like a monotone at this moment.

i'm just not contented with life. as usual, i'm daunted by how much i've yet to achieve. but i don't have the drive to push myself to the limits like last time. because i know that whenever i resolve to challenge my limits, i end up overdoing things. as a result everything backfires; at the end of the day, i'll crumble yet again, crestfallen and helpless but not gaining much.

i don't like to feel insignificant. nobody does, i guess. i can't help but realize that people don't really talk to me the way they do to their friends. i get this feeling that i'm this BUG (big UN-friendly giant) and that they want nothing than to get as far away from me as possible.

of course, i may be exaggerating matters. i don't know. i don't deny that, like what ongkie had told me countless times before, i still have much to learn about socialising with people, especially in the area of making and sustaining small talk. in fact, i've tried to get myself to interact with people more rather than to just lock myself up in a world of my own. but i just end up getting the feeling that i come from another dimension.

lol. maybe it's just that my EQ is still not quite there yet. but for now, so be it. i'm too nua to want to try and do some damage repair at the moment (not that there's much for me to do since i'm back at home, sweet home). and talking about home, there's one really bad thing, and that's the fact that i always sleep for a large part of the day, and waste the rest of the time preventing myself from dozing off. oh, and how i wish i can move the study table in hall to my house too T.T

if there's something i really would regret in life, it's how i just cannot get myself to communicate with my parents, especially my father. i always look on in envy when i see how naturally my friends around me can talk to their parents, telling them what happened to them, or simply telling them what they're doing at that precise moment.

everytime i pick up a call from my father, i could only grunt out short replies to his questions. i don't even want to make myself say 'bye bye' when the conversation ends.

i wonder just what has happened to make things turn out like that. if i were my father, i would be so aggrieved to realize that the daughter i dote on the most doesn't even want to acknowledge his presence. but my father never seems to show that; he just carries on calling me randomly and asking about my well-being.

hai. i've been trying, i've really been trying hard to repair this. but somehow things never seem to work out at the end of the day. i really don't want to hurt my parents or make them worried, but the moment i see them in front of me, poof, all the niceties i have in my head are gone, and i'll just churn out meanness to torture them.

haha, i liked this picture that our foot pub min yu had done for all of us.


cute right?

ok la, nowadays my mind is like totally blank, so i shall spare you all from bloody long and wordy posts. but just wait till my stroke of inspiration comes =)

i was very happy today. i got to go for morning swim, something which i've not done for quite a while because the weather and the schedule had not been merciful.

and i got to eat peanut butter waffle in the afternoon. and i got to try chips ahoy cookies. no wonder it's rated top among all the packaged chocolate chip cookies. it's damn good.

i got to eat homecooked food today too, before coming back to hall. =) it's so funny. i remembered back when i was working in iras, i packed homecooked food for lunch almost every day. now i rarely get to eat homecooked food, since i spend so little time at home, and there're always chances that my mum's not cooking that day.

tan zhi ling is well-contented for now. gotta gear herself up for the crazy week ahead. who knows, by tomorrow, you'll see another post full of ramblings and complaints again. who knows? =)

finally back at home after so long. and what did i do when i reached?

eat and sleep =)

haha.

i've learnt not to be so hard on myself. sure, i still wanna have the drive to succeed in whatever i do, but i realized that sacrificing everything enjoyable in life for my goals is just not practical. at the end of the day, what you'll get is just a robot.

so now, i'm learning how to take things in my stride. meaning that i shall rest and sleep when i'm tired. go home even if the travelling time is like shit. eat whatever i wish to eat(i'm proud of myself that i'm getting fatter. i'm seriously damn proud. it's definitely a big achievement for me, to actually be able to fight away ED and return back to normal, so my parents won't have to worry about my 'anorexic' size anymore).

right now, my only wish is to learn how to love.

hahaha, not exactly in the sense that people would think when they see this statement.

sure, i've seen couples who had made the people around them gaze on in envy. similarly, i've seen how many relationships had failed.

for me, i always think that one shouldn't be so quick to sink into what they call 'love'. if you don't even know how to love yourself, your family and your friends, i don't know how you are supposed to know how to love another in the romantic sense.

maybe that's the reason why i always zone out when the topic of conversation swings to this area. i guess i can say that i know myself pretty well. my friends said that i've changed. and now that i think about it, the change was a scary one. in my pursuit for excellence and acceptance and glory, i had valued time, efficiency above all else.

i had forgotten to love myself and treat myself well. i had forgotten to embrace what i truly enjoy in life, seeing it as a form of sacrifice for the greater good. and all along, i never manage to reciprocate the love that my family gives me. in terms of friendship, i always feel that i'm not putting in enough. my life has been so centred upon myself that i fail to share their troubles or congratulate their triumphs.

so tan zhi ling shall try even harder to love. it's not gonna be easy. i'm sure there'll be times when i lapse back into my old self, but just like how i drove ED away from my life, i shall take it step by step, and improve my life slowly but surely.

i think it'll be nice to go back to the past.

we used to be such cute little kids. hahaha. ok, maybe not me, i've created a hell lot of trouble for my family and friends.

but still. i wouldn't mind going back.

just to relive the good memories again (not the bad, never the bad).

i don't know what's wrong with me now. i've changed drastically within a year. i don't feel any belonging anymore. it's like, i'm just this wandering soul floating from place to place, feeling unaccepted.

and i don't like the fact that i'm always dwelling in my own misery. ya, i like to think too much, so much so that i don't like to talk too much. and it is not doing me any good.

i just don't understand just why have i become who i am today. it may just be my own twisted perception, but what i remembered of the old tan zhi ling was someone who loved to be with people, be in the centre of everything and enjoy all the fun. the old me used to be really afraid of missing out on really interesting stuff, so much so that i would grab every opportunity to be with my friends.

but nowadays, things have changed. i realize i don't make the effort to intrude into any conversation anymore. it seems sufficient for me to just be able to talk comfortably with other people, but i view them as if they are very distant from me. i mean, all around me are very nice, wonderful, fantastic, fun-loving people. somehow i can only go that far into their lives. and then i'll just stop there and go no further.

it's sad really. i don't like to play as much anymore. i don't like to fool around as much. i feel old, and easily tired. all i do whenever other people lose themselves in crazy moments is to stand at the side, at most giving some comment and remarks but never really getting myself involved. and it is because of this that i find myself getting further and further away from everyone else. i don't belong.

***********************

today during comm fund lesson, there's something this girl said in class that struck me hard. she said that everyone should have a goal in life in order to have the drive to work hard and put in their best in whatever they do.

and that's when i realize i have left another of my major unresolved issues hanging. just what is my goal in life? for these past few weeks i've been losing myself in this horrible nightmare, lacking sleep, doing work, finding it difficult to focus during lessons, finding myself too tired to contribute to anything. just what is all these meaningless effort meant for?

tan zhi ling, where is your goal?